Because he’s lost the way to his pulse
and doesn’t know how to get back.
He bips when he should bop,
so now can’t do any better than that.

Because even if he knew how
there’s nothing in his head or heart
to drive it down the track,
just the corrosive white noise of anxiety,

a sort of ether
coursing through rancor and cunning.

Because he is flummoxed by the world,
the crush of it, the variety.
Too daunted to field what he might,
take refuge in a text
of a text,
finding tickle points of nyceness
there to stay him.

Because he is a team player, a flak
for the ward boss, the whiffling panjandrums,
backing off from the authentic
like a jackal from the lion’s scent.

Because he honors not the made thing
nor can he recognize it when coming upon it.

And yet, should it declare itself
with such force as to penetrate even this,

he averts his eyes and hurries off.

- August Kleinzahler

When something bad happens
we play it back in our minds,
looking for a place to step in
and change things. We should go outside
right now, you might have said. Or:
Let’s not drive anywhere today.

The sea rises, the mountain collapses.
A car swerves toward the crowd
you’ve just led your family into.
We all look for reasons. Luck
isn’t the word you want to hear.
What happened had to,

or it didn’t. Maybe
the exceptional man can change direction
in midair, thread the needle’s eye,
and come out whole. But even the hero
who stands up to chance has to feel
how far the world will bend

until it breaks him. He can see
that day: the unappeasable ocean,
the cascades of stone. A crowd
gathers around his body. He sees that too.
someone is saying: His luck just ran out.
It happens to us all.

“The Hero’s Luck” by Lawrence Raab, from The History of Forgetting. © Penguin Books, 2009.

I like lists. Let’s make a list. Here are a few of the many reasons I am not dating anyone right now, casually or otherwise.

1. I don’t have the time or patience for anyone else’s bullshit right now. Harsh but true.
2. I don’t particularly savor the idea of dating. In fact, I hate dating. The games, the politics, the “should I wait three days or four or a week to call” crap. Frankly I don’t care enough to invest the energy into a dating relationship that will most likely end in disaster and waste my time anyway. I forget to call people. I honestly forget. Not playing games, not trying to seem busier than I am. I just forget. Probably because I didn’t like you that  much in the first place. Again, harsh but true.
3. It’s bad enough going out with a platonic friend of the opposite sex on a weekend night and having everyone who sees you just assume you’re dating, up to and including your supposedly platonic just-friend at some point later that night despite explicitly explaining to the just-friend before the not-date that is not the case. That’s when awkward conversations have to happen and people get all pissy and weird. Even though the game rules have been read, understood and signed in triplicate. Here’s a crazy idea! I actually meant what I said! I don’t want to date you! And I am not going to change my mind! And the more you annoy me about it the less I like you as a person! Is it really impossible for two single hetero people of the opposite sex to go out just as friends? I’m starting to think it is.
4. People tend to suck. Please see #1, 2 and 4.
5. As is by now obvious from the tone of this post, I’m not open to the idea of involvement on any level. So in a way I am doing the world a favor by not dating. A public service, in a sense: not inflicting my damaged, angry self on  unsuspecting men who just want to go out for drinks. I should probably walk around with a big OUT OF ORDER/CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE sign around my neck.
6. Dating is hard. It’s expensive. It’s stressful. At best I get good stories/posts out of horrible dates with which to entertain my friends and readers of  this site. At worst, it’s so beyond depressing I would much rather just stay home. I really don’t want to sit through another “Look at my awesome Taurus outside and did I mention I made 30 grand a year?” situation. I will not be held responsible for my actions. Instead, I will just make stuff up while at home alone and save everyone the heartache and bail money.
7. I am picky by nature. I might meet one guy every three months who interests me.  That’s four a year. And usually three out of the four are married/attached/gay. So that leaves one a year. And that’s when I am looking, and I’m not even looking. It’s not even so much that I’m just not looking, it’s that the part of me that would normally be open to meeting people is soooo shut down. And that is perfectly fine. For now.

but this isn’t one.

This is Bob Breck’s blog (link). He’s a local meteorologist and has a record for making accurate predictions about storms. My friend Tara Jill reminded me of it earlier today on the phone. It’s a lot more informative and accurate than nola.com, which I know isn’t saying much. He also doesn’t do his best to incite panic in the masses like nola.com tends to do. Just the facts and intelligent, informed opinions. No hysteria. Pretty rare this days.

Sorry about the earlier post & the freaking out and so on. That isn’t helpful.

Looks like we’re going to get strong winds tomorrow, so the usual protocol is in effect – bring plants and possible projectiles like lawn furniture inside. Also, the rain – at the current forecast as of 10:22PM Sunday night – will be around 3-4 inches average in town, which means the roads will start flooding probably tomorrow mid to late afternoon. Businesses will probably close early so people can get home before the roads become impassable. No mandatory evacuations have been ordered and I doubt any will be. I do have a feeling the local bars are going to be packed on Tuesday. But this is all conjecture and I’m tired and not even sure what I’m talking about at this point and I probably shouldn’t be in front of a computer right now, need to get back to watching bad horror movies.

Saints won, btw.

A lot of people have been contacting me about how to get approved for the DoE program I talked about the other day on this site. Seems many people are in the same boat as me. All of the info for it is at my office, so when I get to work tomorrow I’ll list it. Meanwhile, if you wrote to me or asked me in person about it, tomorrow I’ll send you a direct email with the stuff you need to get started.

Went to see Fight Club at the midnight movie last night.  I thought there’d be more people there but the theater was barely half full. God I love that movie so much. So many great lines. The last scene is so romantic in such a fucked up, wonderful way. I forgot that “Going Out West” by Tom Waits was part of the soundtrack. Badass timing in the movie, too. So today is officially a Tom Waits Sunday, been blaring Rain Dogs and other tracks all morning.

Oh, how we danced and we swallowed the night
For it was all ripe for dreaming
Oh, how we danced away
All of the lights
We’ve always been out of our minds.

*sigh* Here we go. OK.

Here’s the full article. (pops)

Here’s your WTF image of the day:

1) This farker is likely to hit around the mouth of the Mississippi. THAT IS BAD. Even if it’s just a tropical storm, that’s bad. That’s the worst place possible for any sort of storm to hit this state because it shoves all of the water from the river up into cities and that’s a lot of water and along with the storm surge… yeah. Bad.

UPDATE: #1 is no longer true. It’s supposed to hit east of NOLA.

A lot of people don’t know this but the levees almost overtopped during Gustav, which was a Cat 2 I think. Michael and I found that out at Politics with a Punch one night much later. I think I wrote a post about it the next day but I don’t feel like looking for it.

2) My evacuation destination is going to get hit just as hard. And I’m thinking probably I won’t leave. I guess it depends on what happens between now and tomorrow. I really, really don’t feel like evacuating. God dammit all to hell.

I woke up to three missed calls and about as many text messages from people out of state all saying about the same thing: WTF. When I went to sleep it was a tropical storm that was supposed to hit Florida. Now it’s a cat 2? And those shearing winds that were going to push it into the panhandle, where are they?

Also, what is that thing in the northwest corner of the Gulf? Is that another storm system? What if they combine and produce a SUPER HURRICANE? Ok now I’m just freaking myself out. Stupid coffee.

It will probably all blow over and miss us and I’m panicking and paranoid over nothing. Right? RIGHT?

It’s windy outside. :/

This neighborhood didn’t flood during Katrina or Gustav but everything around it did. Guess I’m going to wait and see. Meanwhile I think I’m supposed to care if the Saints win today or something. The game’s all over the front of the Times Picayune with a little side blurb up in the corner that says, Oh, by the way, Ida’s a cat 2 now and we’re probably going to get hit. GO SAINTS!

Saw this on the way to the book fair today.

This is a hard topic for me to talk about because 1) I’m so friggin embarrassed at how irresponsibly I acted with student loans and money in general for my entire time in college/grad school and even afterward, up until very recently life. Financial responsibility is not my forte. I have a lot of great qualities, but being smart with money, not so much. I’m working on this. I’m bringing my lunch to work. I’m not drinking or going out during the week. I’m cooking again. 2) The sheer amount I owe is staggering… it’s in Post Doc range… it’s in “I became an ER surgeon after 14 yrs of med school” range. It’s bad, people. And, oh, and the best part? I got a degree in Poetry. Luckily I’m good with computers so I’m not totally destitute.

Anyway, a lot of stuff’s been going on the past three months, lots of changes, and so I decided to take this time to tackle all of my demons, financial and otherwise. So I called the student loan people the other day. This is a phone call I have been putting off for four years, maybe five. (Yeah I know.) Because I can’t pay them back the monthly amount, which is, no shit, almost 700 a month. And my loans were in default and I was getting all of these threatening letters about law suits and garnishing wages and your credit is so fucked, etc.

I called, and the most amazing thing happened. The guy who helped me – Ronald from Texas Guarantee, I think I love you, man – he was SO unbelievably nice and helpful. I’ve been treated like dog shit by collection agencies in the past because I forgot to mail in a 16.00 check for my Rolling Stone subscription. Ronald was awesome. And he had some great news for me (and for you, if you also have a six-figure student loan debt and can’t afford the payments).

Namely:

1) If I apply for consolidation with the Department of Education, they will make my loan show as current again on my credit report and then the DoE will do a debt/income ratio to determine my payments. Ronald says he’s seen payments as low as 12.00. This is fantastic news. I applied with him over the phone and in three hours I was approved.

2) Once I got approved for the DoE process, my loan was/is no longer in default. I should be set up on a payment schedule with the DoE by early December. Probably something like 50.00 a month. After I make that monthly payment for 25 years, the rest of my loan will be discharged, and that’s that, mattress man. I’m done. I’m free. I know 25 years sounds like a long time – because it is. But 50ish a month? That’s nothing.

I HAZ BANISHED TEH DEMON!

So if you are in stupid amounts of student loan debt and can’t see any way out, just call the collectors. They sincerely do want to help, and they can. They know more than you do about your options.

I am in no way encouraging ANYONE to get into this sort of debt unless you can definitely pay it off, i.e. if you go to med or law school. Not get an MFA. It’s super irresponsible. I mean I know sometimes you have to take out loans, but don’t take out more than you absolutely need and make sure you have a plan to pay it back. Not a plan like “move to Belize after graduation” but an actual marketable skill you can get hired with, even if you’re an artist or poet or some such. A Practical Plan B for when you don’t hit the big time with your writing or art. I don’t regret my degree one bit, but I do regret how I financed it. Been a lot of headaches and tears and stress. But, now that I can do this DoE program, I may actually one day be able to own a house. Let my trouble serve as a warning to those considering maxing out grad school loans for 6 years. Don’t do it!

It’s as if this huge weight has been lifted… I didn’t realize how much it was bothering me, weighing down on me. Now it’s being fixed. A party may be in order.